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I was severely, desperately, blindingly depressed from the age of 12 to 26. How do you find your way out of something when nothing makes sense? I’m not sure I believe it, but sometimes I like to think that this was my body speaking for me when I couldn’t speak for myself. I learned that I had to do things that I would eventually love, long before I would love them because when you’re depressed things are backwards and you can’t love anything. And while all this was going on, I decided to go back to school. In the next two years: I joined Twitter, I got a paid writing gig, I dated several boys, I lost weight, I gained some of it back (this one is still a real struggle for me), I started blogging for The Province Newspaper, I worked hard and got good grades (something I’d never really done up till now–I’d always just coasted).
And then, one simple thing happened…followed by another…and then another…and so on and so on until now. The great irony of my life is that the worst job I ever had, turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. On December 25th 2008, I had my last drink of alcohol. I was lucky enough to get to go on paid medical leave. So you just have to do…get out and DO…because it will get better. I already had a BA in Psychology (let’s not discuss the irony), but I wanted to go grad school and revive my dream of being an English Professor and writer (something that seemed to have gotten lost along the way). I needed to get another BA first though, so I applied to UBC and was accepted in. In my final year, I applied to 6 graduate school programs. I ended up choosing Concordia (in Montreal) because they offered me the most funding and Montreal sounded like a great place to live, oui non? The first week was brutal but now I feel like I could move anywhere, could do anything.
”Underneath these kinds of remarks, there is an implication that somehow you must be unhappy and by extension – flawed.
Never mind the fact that according to research, nearly 47% of the population is unmarried!
And it wasn’t just chance, but dammit if I don’t feel lucky. I thought she was just going to give me some motherly advice about how I shouldn’t wear my hair in a ponytail all the time but instead she walked over and tried to examine it. that I had been to since I was a preteen wasn’t great – or at the very least, I wasn’t ready to let in). The counselor I had been seeing was through my job and since I didn’t work there anymore, I had to find someone else. And in this last term I even got a job teaching an English course all on my own (part time faculty, yo! While I have loved my time in grad school, I have realized it is unlikely that I will want to pursue a Ph D in English (if anything, I’d be more likely to apply to law school but that’s another story).
One of the greatest forms of procrastination is Tumblr. Then my eyes widened and I thought, “that’s my beautiful gay ex-boyfriend.”Those closest to me know that I have a pretty impressive track record of dating guys that eventually come to realize their sexual orientation is one that favors other men.
During midterms, I was on a Tumbling spree and happened upon the Homotography Tumblr page. Two of them have been male models, and one was just a Buddhist chap from San Francisco, who I would describe as “cute.” Many women are horrified by my ability to joke about my history of dating gay men and the fact that I’m not particularly bitter about it.
My experiences dating men who later came to identify as gay were no different than my experiences dating straight men.
I was attracted to their intelligence, worldliness, humor, ability to express their emotions, and good looks.